You’ve decided it is high time to move. Your current home, millions of dollars, people you’ve embezzled, bitches you’ve fucked and dumped, and your six children from different families need to find a place that is small, unnoticeable, and surrounded by God L. Ron Hubburd’s beauty on Earth. Driving north on I-25 through New Mexico to Colorado about 100 miles from the southern border, you take in the sight of a power plant, decaying yellow grass all over, and a sprawled city of decay. Upon closer inspection, you see the highest building in town is the size of two McDonald’s stacked upon one another. You find a river that is trying to mimic the famous Riverwalk of San Antonio yet fails miserably because hicks, white trash, and Mexicans can’t find places to get loaded and result to only two clubs in town to run out of them once they discover they are 18 and up clubs. The homes and businesses are dilapidated, all the female teenagers are knocked up and ran out on when the boys discover Colorado Springs or Denver, and the old defend this town tooth and nail. If you disgrace or speak ill of their town, they will gum and cane you until you have slobber bites and cane welts all over your body. Going out west, you find a community you can live in. The rich live here, but the homes are far less fancy than the last one you set fire to and collected the insurance money on. Welcome to Pueblo, Colorado, you fucking sap.
I used to think Arkansas and even North Dakota were the most boring places in the United States. Then I remembered Arkansas has hot springs and The Ozarks and North Dakota was at least the birthplace of college basketball legend, Lute Olson. Pueblo takes the cake as the most disgusting, pathetic, boring, and inbred cities that rival backwater towns of Mississippi, Louisiana, and Alabama. Unless you have special interests involving video games, movies, sex, drinking, or habitual drug use, you are SOL here.
This crappy town is the third, yes, THIRD largest city in Colorado (Colorado Springs being second, Denver first) and even then that statistic can’t even save the town from it’s dismal atmosphere of geriatric fucks and brainwashed Libtard kids. Everything big to small is annoying and tasteless, much like a camwhore and her unwanted self-importance. To the left, you’ve got the good ol’ Rocky Mountains and Pike’s Peak (which idiots of the town and more than likely, the schools think is the largest height in Colorado when any moron knows it’s Mt. Elbert. Look it up, you fucks). To the right, hickville gets worse with the start of the Great Plains, even dumber kids in dumber high schools, abandoned railroad tracks, sleepy farm towns, you get the drift. So, Pueblo is essentially the nexus of the boring universe where you have four paths to get out. The north is the best since you actually get to REAL civilization. What makes it better is the people of the Springs and Denver can tell if you’re from Pueblo by the way you act and dress. That’s due to the fact the cities grew up on standards, not booze and teen pregnancy.
Let’s start off with the big annoyances. Commercial business, for example. Once the first Toys ‘R Us/Super-Wal-Mart/Chili’s/Barnes And Noble/Lowes opens up in town, it takes two weeks to clean out the sewers, the streets, and the homes of all the semen and cunt juice flowing freely all over the town. This is a big fucking deal to these “Puebealeans” as I so call them. Where I come from, which is none of your fucking business, we call that day “Tuesday” and tap it off with a Shining black screen intermission. I’m not kidding. Chili’s opens up in Eagle Ridge and EVERYONE has to attend like the food is a five star Bellagio Buffet when it’s merely sub-par commercial market frozen food. If you wanted frozen food, defrost hot dogs in a gas station sink for Christ’s sake.
The next big annoyance are the big names in town. If you’ve ever watched the “Guitar Queero” episode of South Park, you’ll see some local favs such as the man who owns a furniture store and some tigers or Georgeann Linderopolis (who actually comes down to Pueblo to get her nails done from the Springs…why????) who is a news anchor for the local NBC station. They do exist. So, what’s the problem with that? The fact that they actually come to Pueblo or are broadcast to Pueblo from the Springs because the town is so shitty, it doesn’t have it’s own local stations.
Another big annoyance is everyone wants to get to know you/will eventually know you. Right when you move into town, SOMEONE in the neighborhood comes to your door and gives you a shitty welcome basket full of rotten fruit since they can’t afford good fruit due to their lack of funds working at the local Loaf n’ Jug (convenience stores of Colorado). Everyone then invites you into the social pipeline. if there is a BBQ, PTA meeting, football game, book burning, gay pride rally, tip the cow playoff, better expect that doorbell to be a ringing. Sure, go ahead and ignore everyone’s hospitality and isolate yourself. That won’t stop them from asking around town to dig up dirt on you to make your stay uneasy. Since it’s such a small town, everyone will know your good or bad reputation and go out of their ways to ruin/invade your life since you’re either all smiles or an enigma and their pea brains can’t handle your silence.
That next leads to the people themselves. The people that live in Pueblo are disgusting and generally uneducated. Some people literally try running businesses in this city only to be swept away by bankruptcy a year later. A majority of the high school students graduate and attend CSUP, but don’t call it that because they get butthurt from that acronym. It’s Colorado State University Pueblo and if you go there, get ready to just get a piece of paper, drink cheap beer, flirt with classroom after classroom of ugly UGLY co-eds, and I hope you enjoy the color white. If you want a real education, go out of state or give the REAL CSU in Fort Collins a stab. If you go to Boulder, you’ll be instantly arrested if you’re male because every male that is not Liberal, emo, or treat women as an equal have instantly raped a woman somewhere on campus. And since tears are far more powerful than substantial physical evidence, you have to be locked up like the beast you are. Off that tangent, everyone living there, especially the native born, have NEVER left the city. They are so boring to talk to. Imagine trying to discuss Quantum Physics with Paris Hilton or a girl you used to know who took ten years to get a two year Associates Degree. These are the native Puebealeans you’ll encounter and have enlightening conversations about beer and pot with.
The last big annoyance is the job market. There really isn’t anywhere decent to work in this rat hole. The city council is full of ass kissing, “this is the greatest city in the world” hometown bumpkins with no dreams either than to milk the money they selfishly squander on themselves or useless projects like trying to make a riverwalk on the Arkansas with absolutely no good appeal or taste to it. The one mall in town is full of bratty snot-nosed teenagers and coddled young adults who whine and complain about how much their life sucks. Should have got out of town when you had the chance. At one point or another, everyone works at the Convergys, Office Max, or Comcast in town sitting by eagerly awaiting phone calls or selling shitty computers to computer inept dweebs. Since Circuit City went out of business due to their plugs being pulled for draining so much energy from better electronics stores, 35% of Pueblo’s economy went down the tubs. Oh wait, Mervyn’s went out too, make it 40%.
I’ll just bullet little annoyances. Much of them are self explanitory:
- Mexicans blast mariachi music on SUBWOOFERS at 8 in the fucking morning
- There are only two clubs. Peppers in town, Kickers in Pueblo West. Peppers is 18 and up, so forget going there. Kickers is 21 and up, but full of cowboy hat wearing, pudding eating, closet homo hicks
- The safest high school is Pueblo West High, but you have to be rich and an ass kisser to attend there. DECA took over too, so it’s not really a school, but a business for pretentious teens to prepare themselves to go into the porn industry later hen they learn no one gives a shit about their Powerade “commercials”
- Centennial High requires four years of swimming. Lol
- The ratio between old people and black wearing lip ringed teenagers is astonishingly even
- Pueblo has one of the highest teen pregnancy rates in the country. Go 90 miles south, you can go to the sex change capital of the world, Trinidad!
- Fucking a girl in the ass counts as a date or even a proposal of marriage
- To find something to do, you have to drive a gagillion miles each way (except east)
- The two most popular family names are the Gersecks and the Dunsmoors. How are they so famous? In town sports, go figure
- Local bands play at crappy bars and a run down theater in the shitty downtown district. Aggressive Persuasion is the WORST group. Everyone drools over Misty Bong. Give her some time, she’ll either be dead or knocked up before you know it
- The only worthwhile degree is CIS. Too bad a lot of students learn the “Hello World!” Java app more than real world applications
- It’s a Liberal dominated town. Nuff said
If you have special interests, cling onto them better than Brittney Spears does a baby. If you’re a geek, do your geek things. Smoke, drink, do drugs, fuck (but wrap it up tight). You’ll be out of there before you know it. If you were born there, you’re doomed and there is nothing you can do about it. How do I know all of this? Have I actually lived there or just attended college there or maybe just visited or perhaps I asked a source? Who cares, just know I am always right. Avoid this city like a Twilight fan and be grateful of where you live as long as it’s not Pueblo, Colorado.
EXTERNAL LINKS (did some snooping)
An upstanding citizen of Pueblo No one in Pueblo makes 60-75k a year
This is all there is to do in Pueblo, chug milk jugs Check that expiration date, homes
Do nothing, get Nobel Peace Prize, ….., PROFIT!
Smart women, who would’ve thought?
TheAn0nym0usMan (Happy D-Day. 66 years since Nazi Tyranny began it’s decline)
