Do Not Fret

I’ll have another article up in the near future, so stop crying like a pussy

Do Not Live In Pueblo

You’ve decided it is high time to move. Your current home, millions of dollars, people you’ve embezzled, bitches you’ve fucked and dumped, and your six children from different families need to find a place that is small, unnoticeable, and surrounded by God L. Ron Hubburd’s beauty on Earth. Driving north on I-25 through New Mexico to Colorado about 100 miles from the southern border, you take in the sight of a power plant, decaying yellow grass all over, and a sprawled city of decay. Upon closer inspection, you see the highest building in town is the size of two McDonald’s stacked upon one another. You find a river that is trying to mimic the famous Riverwalk of San Antonio yet fails miserably because hicks, white trash, and Mexicans can’t find places to get loaded and result to only two clubs in town to run out of them once they discover they are 18 and up clubs. The homes and businesses are dilapidated, all the female teenagers are knocked up and ran out on when the boys discover Colorado Springs or Denver, and the old defend this town tooth and nail. If you disgrace or speak ill of their town, they will gum and cane you until you have slobber bites and cane welts all over your body. Going out west, you find a community you can live in. The rich live here, but the homes are far less fancy than the last one you set fire to and collected the insurance money on. Welcome to Pueblo, Colorado, you fucking sap.

I used to think Arkansas and even North Dakota were the most boring places in the United States. Then I remembered Arkansas has hot springs and The Ozarks and North Dakota was at least the birthplace of college basketball legend, Lute Olson. Pueblo takes the cake as the most disgusting, pathetic, boring, and inbred cities that rival backwater towns of Mississippi, Louisiana, and Alabama. Unless you have special interests involving video games, movies, sex, drinking, or habitual drug use, you are SOL here.

This crappy town is the third, yes, THIRD largest city in Colorado (Colorado Springs being second, Denver first) and even then that statistic can’t even save the town from it’s dismal atmosphere of geriatric fucks and brainwashed Libtard kids. Everything big to small is annoying and tasteless, much like a camwhore and her unwanted self-importance. To the left, you’ve got the good ol’ Rocky Mountains and Pike’s Peak (which idiots of the town and more than likely, the schools think is the largest height in Colorado when any moron knows it’s Mt. Elbert. Look it up, you fucks). To the right, hickville gets worse with the start of the Great Plains, even dumber kids in dumber high schools, abandoned railroad tracks, sleepy farm towns, you get the drift. So, Pueblo is essentially the nexus of the boring universe where you have four paths to get out. The north is the best since you actually get to REAL civilization. What makes it better is the people of the Springs and Denver can tell if you’re from Pueblo by the way you act and dress. That’s due to the fact the cities grew up on standards, not booze and teen pregnancy.

Let’s start off with the big annoyances. Commercial business, for example. Once the first Toys ‘R Us/Super-Wal-Mart/Chili’s/Barnes And Noble/Lowes opens up in town, it takes two weeks to clean out the sewers, the streets, and the homes of all the semen and cunt juice flowing freely all over the town. This is a big fucking deal to these “Puebealeans” as I so call them. Where I come from, which is none of your fucking business, we call that day “Tuesday” and tap it off with a Shining black screen intermission. I’m not kidding. Chili’s opens up in Eagle Ridge and EVERYONE has to attend like the food is a five star Bellagio Buffet when it’s merely sub-par commercial market frozen food. If you wanted frozen food, defrost hot dogs in a gas station sink for Christ’s sake.

The next big annoyance are the big names in town. If you’ve ever watched the “Guitar Queero” episode of South Park, you’ll see some local favs such as the man who owns a furniture store and some tigers or Georgeann Linderopolis (who actually comes down to Pueblo to get her nails done from the Springs…why????) who is a news anchor for the local NBC station. They do exist. So, what’s the problem with that? The fact that they actually come to Pueblo or are broadcast to Pueblo from the Springs because the town is so shitty, it doesn’t have it’s own local stations.

Another big annoyance is everyone wants to get to know you/will eventually know you. Right when you move into town, SOMEONE in the neighborhood comes to your door and gives you a shitty welcome basket full of rotten fruit since they can’t afford good fruit due to their lack of funds working at the local Loaf n’ Jug (convenience stores of Colorado). Everyone then invites you into the social pipeline. if there is a BBQ, PTA meeting, football game, book burning, gay pride rally, tip the cow playoff, better expect that doorbell to be a ringing. Sure, go ahead and ignore everyone’s hospitality and isolate yourself. That won’t stop them from asking around town to dig up dirt on you to make your stay uneasy. Since it’s such a small town, everyone will know your good or bad reputation and go out of their ways to ruin/invade your life since you’re either all smiles or an enigma and their pea brains can’t handle your silence.

That next leads to the people themselves. The people that live in Pueblo are disgusting and generally uneducated. Some people literally try running businesses in this city only to be swept away by bankruptcy a year later. A majority of the high school students graduate and attend CSUP, but don’t call it that because they get butthurt from that acronym. It’s Colorado State University Pueblo and if you go there, get ready to just get a piece of paper, drink cheap beer, flirt with classroom after classroom of ugly UGLY co-eds, and I hope you enjoy the color white. If you want a real education, go out of state or give the REAL CSU in Fort Collins a stab. If you go to Boulder, you’ll be instantly arrested if you’re male because every male that is not Liberal, emo, or treat women as an equal have instantly raped a woman somewhere on campus. And since tears are far more powerful than substantial physical evidence, you have to be locked up like the beast you are. Off that tangent, everyone living there, especially the native born, have NEVER left the city. They are so boring to talk to. Imagine trying to discuss Quantum Physics with Paris Hilton or a girl you used to know who took ten years to get a two year Associates Degree. These are the native Puebealeans you’ll encounter and have enlightening conversations about beer and pot with.

The last big annoyance is the job market. There really isn’t anywhere decent to work in this rat hole. The city council is full of ass kissing, “this is the greatest city in the world” hometown bumpkins with no dreams either than to milk the money they selfishly squander on themselves or useless projects like trying to make a riverwalk on the Arkansas with absolutely no good appeal or taste to it. The one mall in town is full of bratty snot-nosed teenagers and coddled young adults who whine and complain about how much their life sucks. Should have got out of town when you had the chance. At one point or another, everyone works at the Convergys, Office Max, or Comcast in town sitting by eagerly awaiting phone calls or selling shitty computers to computer inept dweebs. Since Circuit City went out of business due to their plugs being pulled for draining so much energy from better electronics stores, 35% of Pueblo’s economy went down the tubs. Oh wait, Mervyn’s went out too, make it 40%.

I’ll just bullet little annoyances. Much of them are self explanitory:

• Mexicans blast mariachi music on SUBWOOFERS at 8 in the fucking morning

• There are only two clubs. Peppers in town, Kickers in Pueblo West. Peppers is 18 and up, so forget going there. Kickers is 21 and up, but full of cowboy hat wearing, pudding eating, closet homo hicks

• The safest high school is Pueblo West High, but you have to be rich and an ass kisser to attend there. DECA took over too, so it’s not really a school, but a business for pretentious teens to prepare themselves to go into the porn industry later hen they learn no one gives a shit about their Powerade “commercials”

• Centennial High requires four years of swimming. Lol

• The ratio between old people and black wearing lip ringed teenagers is astonishingly even

• Pueblo has one of the highest teen pregnancy rates in the country. Go 90 miles south, you can go to the sex change capital of the world, Trinidad!

• Fucking a girl in the ass counts as a date or even a proposal of marriage

• To find something to do, you have to drive a gagillion miles each way (except east)

• The two most popular family names are the Gersecks and the Dunsmoors. How are they so famous? In town sports, go figure

• Local bands play at crappy bars and a run down theater in the shitty downtown district. Aggressive Persuasion is the WORST group. Everyone drools over Misty Bong. Give her some time, she’ll either be dead or knocked up before you know it

• The only worthwhile degree is CIS. Too bad a lot of students learn the “Hello World!” Java app more than real world applications

• It’s a Liberal dominated town. Nuff said

If you have special interests, cling onto them better than Brittney Spears does a baby. If you’re a geek, do your geek things. Smoke, drink, do drugs, fuck (but wrap it up tight). You’ll be out of there before you know it. If you were born there, you’re doomed and there is nothing you can do about it. How do I know all of this? Have I actually lived there or just attended college there or maybe just visited or perhaps I asked a source? Who cares, just know I am always right. Avoid this city like a Twilight fan and be grateful of where you live as long as it’s not Pueblo, Colorado.

EXTERNAL LINKS (did some snooping)

An upstanding citizen of Pueblo No one in Pueblo makes 60-75k a year

This is all there is to do in Pueblo, chug milk jugs Check that expiration date, homes

Nuff said

Do nothing, get Nobel Peace Prize, ….., PROFIT!

Smart women, who would’ve thought?

BOR-ING

TheAn0nym0usMan (Happy D-Day. 66 years since Nazi Tyranny began it’s decline)

Do Not Read The Great Gatsby

You’re in high school and your pretentious English teacher who puts on movies to distract the class because they don’t want to teach or monitor bad behavior passes out a book to you. On the cover is a dark sky, a set of eyes and lips, and a green tear. Instantly, if you’re smart enough, you smell something fishy in the air. Nevertheless, you have (sadly) no choice but to read the book since you need to pass this class to move onto the next brilliant level of English (then once you get to college, your professors tell you everything you’ve learned before is useless, but you need to pass to get into college. Ironic, is it not?). You read twenty pages, throw the book against the wall, try to read more, throw it against the wall again, go watch something on TV, get the monarch notes, write the essay based off that, get an A or B, and be done with it (unless college professors hate you and force you to read it again). Such is the tragedy (not talking about the story) of The Great Gatsby.

As you try and read this book, your life will begin to diminish around you. If you’re in High School, any extra curricular activities will suffer due to your mind worrying about what kind of demented quiz with made up meaning and analysis of the story will be in it. You don’t see into any of the allusion or personifications Fitzgerald has put into the clock? You’re not the only one. Video games and prepubescent sex are sacrificed for looking up words and defining them since you don’t know what they mean, idiot. You’ll be quizzed on them too and this is the only class you are taking (according to any teacher or professor), so it’s ok to put 60 words, some not even from the chapters assigned, onto the “quiz.” Try reading it in your free time if you somehow managed to avoid it in school. You’ll see what I mean.

What exactly is it about? Well, this bondsman from Minnethota (Minnesota in their native tongue), Nick Carraway, comes to New York City. He meets Jay Gatsby, a liar who obtains all his wealth through pimping Nick’s old friend Tom Buchanan’s wife, Daisy Duck. Yet, because of his optimism, Nick sees why Gatsby is so great. Yes, you are great for having the optimism of being a fucking crook. You are also great for having an affair behind the back of a friend, but of course, it doesn’t matter because this is the great times, how to really live, yeah! But Tom’s got a lover, so, it complicates things, as usual. So, Nick eventually meets a bitch dyke who lied about her golf score that ends up ditching him at the end, there is a little girl that comes in and is afraid of turning into a ghost because of the excessive powder on Daisy, some Mint Juleps are drank, there is a clock knocked over THAT FOR SOME REASON HAS DEEP DEEP ANALYTICAL SYMBOLISM AND NEEDS TO BE DISCUSSED FOR TWO WHOLE FUCKING HOURS STRAIGHT AND IF YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE OF IT, YOU’RE A MORON, a suicide, a breast swinging like a latch, Gatsby sick, then overall, we learn that lying stems from this time period and why so many politicians love to do it today.

It’s garbage. If you manage to get past the slow, rocky beginning, you will be rewarded with a bizarre murder suicide finale. Ok, the idiotic characters that Fitzgerald fashioned after his wife and a few of his so-called friends get their just desserts at the end, but still, how is an American classic supposed to be this boring? What’s the appeal? Is it because of all the ridiculous teachers and professors out there that unconditionally rhapsodize about its merits and deep significance only for you (if you’re smart enough, but you’re probably not since you’re reading a review by someone you don’t even know, queer) to later find out it’s all bullshit to cater to an educational system’s curriculum? Lit fanatics who praise the book’s misconceptions of personification, deeper meanings that are meaningless even to a deep analytical thinker should line up to a firing squad. You’re all a bunch of liars and pseudo-intellectual monkeys that give hype to a simple meaning. But since the book is devoted to liars, well, no wonder you worship it. Probably how you got your job at Macy’s in the first place.

You’re probably wondering about the clock rant from before. I’ll humor you and be serious for a moment. Gatsby broke a clock in Nick’s house and this is SOMEHOW supposed to symbolize how time played a factor into each character’s lives. About how time froze between Daisy and Gatsby, foreshadowing his eventual death, all that jazz. Yes, it is incredible and such a fine piece of literary symbolism to show that time factors into everything when even a fucking third grader could easily make that symbolic analogy. The bottom line is, just about every form of Lit major you can find will always go out of their ways to find something out of nothing, much like the useless art student. Because they have no real meaningful talent, they do their best to make up for it with good taste. Now, that isn’t a bad thing, being intelligent is better than being a moron. However, when you overplay it to the point to where you feel that there is a deeper meaning to someone taking a shit, for example, you’re merely being a tool of literal society. You’re trying to use your vast pseudo-intellectuality to cover up the inadequacy that you have no hope for the future due to lack of skills that matter in this world today.

Don’t read this book. It’s a biased view on the rich, successful, and wealthy from an author who sadly had a bitch of a wife. Other books to avoid are Great Expectations, Pride and Prejudice (throw it in the fire), Animal Farm, My Antonita, and anything written by a lesbian/feminist/nazi.

The An0nym0us Man

Do Not Watch Rent

So, you’ve decided to become a Theater Arts or Film major in college. Your attitude is serious, but that hardly over-masks your super sensitivity thanks to all of the jocks in High School forcing motor oil down your throat to keep your big mouth shut. Now, you’re gonna be something and Hollywood is going to take your next production/movie to heart. After smoking ten bongs and waking up with a Miller Light can in one hand and the broken condom conveniently left in the other hand by the emo bitch you screwed last night without even knowing her name, you have a brilliant flash of light strike your pseudo-intellectual head (after all, the first one’s always the best, isn’t it?). Before you write your story about two gay cowboys eating pudding and discovering their sexuality with their own horses, you decide to go out and karaoke in celebration of your profound genius. so, what songs do you go for there, O master of future backdoor studios production? You sing shitty songs sung by AIDS ridden people from the abomination known as Rent.
This isn’t going to be a thorough review since this is not what this blog is intended for, so if you’re looking for in depth analysis or synopsis, go to IMDB or some other sucker site. If you want a good down to Earth honest opinion, keep reading. Music and movie buffs, beware. Your attention is better spent on masterpieces such as The Sting, The French Connection, Network, Scarface, The Godfather, you get the drift. Yeah, only pre-90s movies were mentioned, and for a good reason. Any movie made after 2001 SUCKS. Rent was made in 2005, SURPRISE ASSHOLES! Yet, much like the devoted fantards of Squaresoft’s means to an end game, Final Fantasy VII, many loyal and devoted fantards cling to this movie much like flies would to fresh turd (read the comments, you’ll catch my drift). Such is the “musical.” Rent.

The “urban rock opera,” if you must call it that (it’s just a musical, stop trying to pimp it like it’s R Kelly’s “urban opera”) deals with eight crack addicted, AIDS carrying Bohemian babies who are struggling, at their own faults since they have AIDS and smoke crack, in a modern East New York setting. I say setting because it’s a movie, not real life. Just had to make sure everyone knew that. Movies aren’t real, they’re make believe. Moving on, the two babies the movie focuses on, Mark and Roger, who have all of these wonderful HIV and AIDS inflicted friends and lovers, apparently don’t want to pay rent. So, basically, you shoot up some drugs, fuck around, fuck around some more, sing some shitty songs such as “Out tonight” that dear little HIV ridden Mimi Marquez sings while dancing on stage like some S&M wannabe…yeah, let’s go out tonight…I hear there is a clinic up the road that runs ELISA tests (look it up on Google, stupid).

So, wait a minute…you’re telling me that people who have caused their own struggles thanks to drugs, sex, and terrible singing throughout New York makes this movie beautiful, amazing, wonderful, etc? So, to be beautiful, I just need to go to the city’s drug streets, score some rock, cook it, shoot it, then find a hooker, fuck her, fall in love, be dramatic about her not returning it, become disease ridden, and I will be too? Give me a BREAK.

A move selling itself on a condition is fine, take Philadelphia, for example. I’m not big on struggles with diseases and all, but that at least sent the message. This is a musical about people who did themselves in by (loosely speaking) committing cardinal sins in society and they SING!

How about we turn Tombstone into a musical? Let’s dance around and sing, Doc Holiday! As I stab a man over the poker table:

What’s thissssss? I have stabbbbbedd a mannnnnnnn? Put the poker chips into the bagggggg! Ready the horses, as this man bleeeeddsss! Ugh, it’s terrible…

Still not convinced to never see it because you think I am being completely desensitizing to AIDS? Let’s look past the sex and drugs and focus on the rock n’ roll. These people are singing about how they don’t want to pay their rent and how upset and horrible their lives are…yet, look closely…closer…closer…GAP ACCESSORIES ALL AROUND! LOOK AT THOSE STYLISH CLOTHES THEY HAVE! Gee, no wonder they can’t fucking pay the rent, they waste all their fucking money on GAP and Gucci product.

Overall, it’s pretentious, obnoxious, and only silly college kids, libtards, teens, and tweens really “see the magic” out of crap (which is why kids are not allowed to vote, thank the maker). You’re watching a self-centered, sophomoric world where no one pays for things when they don’t feel like it and the universal standard measurement of time is love when it’s simply absent-minded tripe and tomfoolery used for the over-emotional and weak minded.

TheAn0nym0usMan

What The Hell Is This???

You’ve made too many mistakes in your pathetic life. Maybe you lost too many friends and are all alone. maybe you dropped out of High School, or worse, got your GED (Gay Emo Degree). You dropped out of college or didn’t finish thanks to money, weed, armed robbery, assburgers, cross-dressing, skipping out on class, sucking the TA’s dick, not sucking the TA’s dick, or you just are flat out hopeless. You can’t get laid because you have a shitty job. You’re married and unhappy because your fat ass of a wife won’t put down World of Warcrack to take at least 15 minutes out of her mooching life to climb into bed with you to play with your junk. Or, you’re fine, like me, and love the lulz. This blog is dedicated to solely telling YOU, the greasy BBQ stained shirt wearing, crotch worn out too fast jog pants bearing, hentai watching sack of shit what to never ever EVER do in life.

It’s quite simple. I post an article a week, you follow what I have to say. If you don’t follow what I have to say, your penis will fall off into Ozzie Smith’s new home in another dimension and he will more than likely eat it since the poor sap hasn’t had a decent meal since he went in that tent. Take this blog seriously, since the internet is serious businesses, and your life will be better as a result.

TheAn0nym0usMan